“I just don’t have time to feel like this right now!”
“I won’t deal with this now, there are so many other things that need my attention!
“I swear I will get to it later!”
Sound familiar? I am embarrassed to admit I have said this in my own grief journey. Sometimes we think if we accept that the person has passed away and we do the funeral service, life will just move on, right?
Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. It depends on several things.
- The relationship and connection that you had with the deceased.
- What other stresses you have going on in your life at the time of the loss.
- Whether you have grieved previous losses in a healthy way.
- What your culture says about how to grieve.
But ultimately, it depends on you!
- Your willingness to slow down and feel your grief.
- You allowing yourself the time to stop for an hour every day and intentionally do grief work.
- How much time each day you give yourself to come to terms with the reality of your losses.
Being thrown into a grief journey is never our choice. It is never convenient nor wanted. We can rarely plan for it to happen when we are ready to deal with the loss. We don’t have a choice. But we can choose to grieve, completely and wholly. In time we can choose to mourn and learn to adjust to life without our loved ones. We may even find ways to remember the deceased and incorporate their life and purpose into our own life journey.
Grief is never something we choose to go through, but it is something that each one of us will have to learn to do. How well we learn to grieve, choose to feel, remember, find meaning, and sometimes even purpose in our grief journey can change our lives and the lives of those around us. It is up to you.
Are you too busy to feel and allow grief to do the work in your life journey? Will you make time to deal with the anger and rejection that the person who died left in their place? It takes courage and someone willing to be with you in your darkest moments. There is no set speed, expectations, stage, or phase you need to get to. All that is required is a willingness to meet with yourself (and sometimes with a grief counselor, trusted friend, Pastor, mentor, or family member) and face the realities of your new normal each day.
Written by Kimberly Talmey
BCC BCMMHC
